Last night I lay in bed alone. Well I wasn't completely alone I took my 7 month old in with me. I had had a particularly difficult day and was just running it through my head. I've yet to figure out what to do about my relationship, but that is not the topic of this post. I was thinking about my childhood, the relationship with my mother and her attitude towards me after I told. She was so cold. She had this "thats what you get" attitude. She didn't care that he hurt me. I have always felt that she was mad that I didn't tell right away, like perhaps if I had then she would have cared but because I didn't then I guess I learned my lesson and would know to "open my mouth"the next time.
She never once told me that she was sorry that it happened, or hugged me and told me everything would be ok. Most of what I got from my mom was more pain. (Later down the road I will post a lot about mom.) I cried myself to sleep last night. I hate crying, for more than one reason. First because I feel like its a sign of weakness....totally not true I know but I still have to convince myself that sometimes. Second because crying means I am somewhat connected to my feeling.....feeling what are those!?!? thats now I feel about that( no pun intended). Third, because I have always felt that I don't have a right to cry. So I cried myself to sleep and had the strangest dream.
I say it's a bad dream, the dream it's self was good, something I've been longing for but the reality that it wasn't real made it very very bad. There is also an oddity about this dream which I will explain about little later.
My Dream:
My partner and I had broke up and I was moving back home. I was really sad, I didn't want to be back home but for some reason thats where I went. I went upstairs to the room that use to be mine and my sisters growing up. It was exactly like it was when we were kids and had our bunk beds in it. I went in and started cleaning and putting my things away. There was a room off of the bedroom that was my moms, like you had to walk through my bedroom to get to the other room( its not like this in real life). Mom comes in and starts talking to me. Then this is the oddity, there is this child that comes in. Shes small, looks to be about 6 or 7. She looked very sad. She looked rundown, had scrapes, cuts and bruises all over her body. I could see this yet she was fully dressed. At first I thought it was my daughter but some how I knew it wasn't. She looked at me. She had my eye's but it was not me. ( I think this is my inner child, why she showed herself to me I'm not sure, I have an idea though) She looked so sad, did not speak but climbed to the top bunk( which use to be my bed) and vanished.
Meanwhile mom was talking to me. She mentioned that I hadn't been around the house in a while. She was saying something but I'm not sure what. Then she grabbed me and started hugging me. She told me that she was sorry for all that she had done to me, for not being there for me. She knew now that I wasn't emotionally ready and she was so sorry. So sorry for everything that she said to me. I started crying, everything inside me hurt. She held me tighter and told me that she would make it up to me and that she would always be there for me from now on. I felt safe, I finally felt like it wasn't my fault and that she didn't blame me anymore
Then I woke up, I had been crying in my sleep. It hurt so much to realize it was just a dream, that mom still hated me, still blamed me and that it was still all my fault. That made the hurt 10 time worst. The child in my dream I believe was my inner child. I think I knew that all along but didn't realize the significance of her presents until I really thought about it. I think, she showed up because this is something that she really need to heal. She has never grown. She is still the same size I was when the abuse first started, yet she has lived through all of it. She is still longing for a mothers love, something I have given up on.
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2 comments:
That is an incredible dream of inner healing. I have been taught that each person in our dream represents a part of us. In your waking state, you don't have your mother's unconditional love. In your dream state, as your mother, you are giving yourself and your inner child the love that you want and need. You, in the dream, represent yourself and your desire to be loved. You also recognise the small child as your inner child. That small child is you as the child that you were when the abuse started, the you that needs the love of your mother, the you that needs healing from physical and emotional wounds. Emotional wounds are always much harder to recover from. This is a very healing dream because you are loved and loving yourself. Give love to yourself as the mother, the grown daughter and as the small, vulnerable, hurting child. You went back home in the dream because that is where the abuse that needs to be healed happened. You went back home to heal. Love and thank all 3 parts of yourself for showing you this dream. This dream is very powerful. I have done some major healing of my own through my dreams. That is why I recognise yours for what it is, a wonderful tool for healing.
wow, thanks so much for your insight patricia, I had some of those same thought but not to the depth or level that you took it too. Its really thought provoking.
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