Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sorrows

Currently I am setting at school in the computer lab. I know this is probably of no significance but I suppose it is just a way to start this off. I have been so lonely lately. I just went on a fabulous trip to Las Vegas, had a good time but all the while many things have been buzzing in my head. A few realizations have come to me that I don’t want to admit. First off, my ability to handle the memories/flashedbacks of my abuse is declining. Things are becoming more and more present and I don’t know what is triggering that. A few good friends are "recommending" that I considered meds to help me deal with this but yet I am completely and utterly against it. One of them asked me why it was that I was so resistant to the idea. Honestly, I just don’t want to be on them. I have to take enough meds for my asthma and I hate it. But there is another reason. I don't want to admit that I can't handle it, or rather that I can’t handle it on my own...yet I know I can’t (logic speaking here). The old tapes of my mothers words and actions of her unwillingness to deal with "my problems" are loud and hard to stop. I think because I hold so much guilt, I feel that I have to do this on my own, no relief for me. If I would learn how to not blame myself perhaps that consideration for meds might be more appealing to me. I also think learning how to unsilence myself would help. I need to learn to forgive myself for being a 11-12 year old that was actually powerless (logic speaking here again) to stop what was happening to me. To accept the fact that this really wasn’t my fault despite all that he and others have said. I need to learn to forgive myself for not telling, and even more so forgive myself for telling.

I do know that my mother is a great source of my struggles. One thing that I wanted so desporately was for her, the one who brought me into this word to love me unconditionally. Thus this is something I was denied. She pushed me away, told me they were my problems no one else and that people didn't like to hear about this kind of stuff...that it bothers them. I not proud of what happened, although I was alone inside myself when it was happening I think my true loneliness started the day I told. In my head I picture it totally different. I knew that I could not tell my mother face to face, I thought she would be mad but I hope that she wouldn’t be. I figure I would come home and she would hug me, tell me how sorry she was that she did not know what he was doing to me, tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I was safe now...that she would never let anyone else hurt me like that. (I guess I watched too many life time movies) Instead I got yelled at, belittled and blamed. Such hopelessness came into my life as I had never known. She hated me because I told, I didn't tell when it was happening so I should have just kept it to myself, because it happened and I didn’t try to stop it... it must be my fault. I must have deserved all of it. My happy ending was never to be. How did I become a person that was so unworthy of a mothers love, what was wrong with me. These things have plagued my life for the past 13 years.

There is another realization that I came to about a week ago yet have fought like hell against it. I was driving home from work one day; I had had a particularly stressful day, when I get stress the daunting of the past start to creep back in to the foreground of my mind. And then a thought of nowhere exploded inside my head. He hurt me! I instantly felt nauseous and like I was going to pass out, I had to pull over. I couldn’t handle that thought, I didn’t not ever think those 3 simple words could have that kind of affect on me. I can not allow that to enter my mind, I don't know that I fully understand why. Even now, sitting here typing this and thinking about that is making me feel nauseous and light headed. I know this is one fact that I can not deny, I mean it’s obvious; the repercussions are present every day of my life. My sis says to me that I shouldn't let people get me down. She says that life is too short to let people bring you down, then she said something that was so very triggering and hurtful yet I said nothing. She said that she was not going to let anyone else’s problems bring her down, almost the exact words my mother said to me about my "problems". Why can I not just let it go, why cant I just forget, my whole life I have tried to do that, I can make it go away for a period of time but it always comes back, always stronger than before. I am aware that the only way to get past this is to deal with it, process it and try to move forward. But that is just so much hard work; it feels like an impossible feat.