Sorrows

Currently I am setting at school in the computer lab. I know this is probably of no significance but I suppose it is just a way to start this off. I have been so lonely lately. I just went on a fabulous trip to Las Vegas, had a good time but all the while many things have been buzzing in my head. A few realizations have come to me that I don’t want to admit. First off, my ability to handle the memories/flashedbacks of my abuse is declining. Things are becoming more and more present and I don’t know what is triggering that. A few good friends are "recommending" that I considered meds to help me deal with this but yet I am completely and utterly against it. One of them asked me why it was that I was so resistant to the idea. Honestly, I just don’t want to be on them. I have to take enough meds for my asthma and I hate it. But there is another reason. I don't want to admit that I can't handle it, or rather that I can’t handle it on my own...yet I know I can’t (logic speaking here). The old tapes of my mothers words and actions of her unwillingness to deal with "my problems" are loud and hard to stop. I think because I hold so much guilt, I feel that I have to do this on my own, no relief for me. If I would learn how to not blame myself perhaps that consideration for meds might be more appealing to me. I also think learning how to unsilence myself would help. I need to learn to forgive myself for being a 11-12 year old that was actually powerless (logic speaking here again) to stop what was happening to me. To accept the fact that this really wasn’t my fault despite all that he and others have said. I need to learn to forgive myself for not telling, and even more so forgive myself for telling.

I do know that my mother is a great source of my struggles. One thing that I wanted so desporately was for her, the one who brought me into this word to love me unconditionally. Thus this is something I was denied. She pushed me away, told me they were my problems no one else and that people didn't like to hear about this kind of stuff...that it bothers them. I not proud of what happened, although I was alone inside myself when it was happening I think my true loneliness started the day I told. In my head I picture it totally different. I knew that I could not tell my mother face to face, I thought she would be mad but I hope that she wouldn’t be. I figure I would come home and she would hug me, tell me how sorry she was that she did not know what he was doing to me, tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I was safe now...that she would never let anyone else hurt me like that. (I guess I watched too many life time movies) Instead I got yelled at, belittled and blamed. Such hopelessness came into my life as I had never known. She hated me because I told, I didn't tell when it was happening so I should have just kept it to myself, because it happened and I didn’t try to stop it... it must be my fault. I must have deserved all of it. My happy ending was never to be. How did I become a person that was so unworthy of a mothers love, what was wrong with me. These things have plagued my life for the past 13 years.

There is another realization that I came to about a week ago yet have fought like hell against it. I was driving home from work one day; I had had a particularly stressful day, when I get stress the daunting of the past start to creep back in to the foreground of my mind. And then a thought of nowhere exploded inside my head. He hurt me! I instantly felt nauseous and like I was going to pass out, I had to pull over. I couldn’t handle that thought, I didn’t not ever think those 3 simple words could have that kind of affect on me. I can not allow that to enter my mind, I don't know that I fully understand why. Even now, sitting here typing this and thinking about that is making me feel nauseous and light headed. I know this is one fact that I can not deny, I mean it’s obvious; the repercussions are present every day of my life. My sis says to me that I shouldn't let people get me down. She says that life is too short to let people bring you down, then she said something that was so very triggering and hurtful yet I said nothing. She said that she was not going to let anyone else’s problems bring her down, almost the exact words my mother said to me about my "problems". Why can I not just let it go, why cant I just forget, my whole life I have tried to do that, I can make it go away for a period of time but it always comes back, always stronger than before. I am aware that the only way to get past this is to deal with it, process it and try to move forward. But that is just so much hard work; it feels like an impossible feat.

Forgiveness is...

At my last appointment with T, I made a comment that I was not a very forgiving person. She was very interested in this statement and challenged me to write about what I thought forgiveness was/is.(without looking it up). I think forgiveness can be many things.

Forgiveness is...

• when you accept someone’s apology and do not hold the wrong doing against them
  
• when you give someone a second chance
  
• unconditional love
  
• understanding that the human condition is imperfect so mistakes are woven in to it
  
• not holding a grudge
  

I think there is more but I just can't think of anything else. I will add more to it later if I think of anything, but I can tell you that after doing this. I don't believe that I am so unforgiving. I think I am just really unforgiving with myself, well I know I am. I am a very patient person but I angry easily with things that do not go as they should. (If that make sense) This gives me something to ponder.

Mars Was Strange....

Hello all that have been checking my blog, I'm back....at least for now. I had to take a break for a while from all things abuse related as things were getting to "real" for me. Anyhow I'll give you all a little update first.

Life has been full of all kinds of unexpected (some expected) events.

We are moving. I detest moving. It amazes me that you can accumulate so much crap when you buy a house. It should be illegal....lol. 5 years ago we bought our house, moving from a trailer ( which I call a bread box) that was a very small single wide with 2 tiny bedrooms to a massive 4 bedroom house complete with basement and 2 stall garage. ok, so its not really massive, but compared to the breadbox it was like a mansion. In those 5 years we managed to accumulate 2 dining room table sets, a small kitchen table set. 2 entertainment centers, 3 computers complete with 3 computer desk( one of which is a large corner desk..which I love but its huge), another kid...he he he complete with an entire room (or 2) full of baby stuff. ( most of this is our fault as we just could not part with most of his tiny stuff because it soooooo cute), the other kids stuff( beds dressers ect...) and their toys, they had a toy room 2/3 the size of the attic with is the full length of our house, all kinds of furniture, appliances and you name it we got it. This is excluding the stuff thats out side and in the garage. (Enola I know you understand what Im talking about as you just moved too) We have been trying to move for about 3 months now( moving to an apartment) and are just in the end stages of that. For this I am grateful.

School started. You all know that I got into the Nursing program at me school YAY!! As excited as I was it is an incredible amount of work, mostly reading and its very very time consuming. I am doing a double major...Nursing and Psychology but my psy major is undeclared at the moment. Nursing has been discouraging. I know I just started and the first semester is always the hardest, but for so long my goal was just to get into the program and I have done that, so I wonder why am I torturing myself. But, I wont give up....I know I have a tendency to run away at the first sign of trouble but damn it I have worked to hard for this to quit and I refuse to fail so I guess that only leave one option. Success! ( wish I have this attitude about more stuff...like T, but I don’t) So I will just keep plugging on.

Sleepless night. Here has been my biggest complication; I have had insomnia for the past week and a half. It’s getting better now but boy that was tough. With work, kids, moving and sleeplessness my school work was really suffering. I just hope that it keeps getting better.

T. Blah is all I can say about that. Don’t get my wrong I love my T and I think she is wonderful...I just still feel like I am getting no were.

Family life. This is all intertwined with moving and school, and work really. I go to school from 8 in the morning and work till 9:30 at night. So I don’t really get to spend time with my son. I go in and visit him at day care just so he doesn’t forget who I am. I have a fear that Ill come home one day and go to pick him up and he wont know who I am. This is also putting a strain on my relationship. The major problem is that I can’t really change it. I will not give up school and we can’t afford for me to not work as well. I try to not to homework on the weekends but that’s not all ways possible. I am so behind on reading due to the insomnia( cant retain anything when I’m that tired) that I am trying to play catch up now. This weekend I am hoping to get to spend a little family time.

The weather has been awful. It started snowing on tuesday at 3 pm for about 3 hours then stopped for 5 before the 24 hour snow we were forecasted. It was nice to be out of school and work( work at a college) but I could have done without all the snow. I think our snow total was 17" or 18 ". The kids loved it but they weren’t the ones that had to shovel it.

Well I think that’s about all for know. I plan on posting more when I get the chance but I do plan on writing more often. T says its good for me.