Interview with me

Ok so I know it took me a while to get to this but I was pondering the best way to answer some of them, but here it is.

Instructions - if you would like to be interviewed
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Questions -

1. What makes you smile? This is kind of an easy one. One thing that always makes me smile is my sons happy face.

2. You have a picture of your son on your blog - what is one piece of practical parenting advice you would give to someone else? I had my son pic up but I took it down. I wanted it there originally cause it was something that made me happy but it also distracts away from the true purpose of this blog. One practical parenting advice would be to cherish every milestone your child makes. They only get to grow up once and these are special no matter how trivial they may seem.

3. Why the pictures on the side of your blog? Pick one and explain the significance. As I said before I wanted to use this as a tool in my healing. Every pic that I have up is connected to the feeling I so desperately try to escape. I wanted to be honest with myself and everyone following my journey. All those images speak to me as to how I am feeling or have felt. Most are reoccurring. If I had to pick one and explain it I would pick the "My Soul-Broken". This was is the first on my list as its the truest to how I feel. When the abuse started I felt like my being was shattered. If you look closely at the pic, you will notice that there is a reflection of a child. This is my inner child. You will also notice that there are pieces missing. My abusers took form me so it is not whole. Whenever I share my secret with someone I feel like I'm giving them a piece of my soul, many of the people that I have share with have refused to talk to me anymore because of "my secret", thus taking those pieces with them. I don't know if I can ever be whole again.

4. Why nursing? Why are you pursuing a degree in nursing? What do you want to do with it? As a child I was sick a lot, I am a chronic asthmatic. I was in and out of the hospital a lot. There were so many great nurses and also some not so good ones. I wanted to touch someone else's life as mine was. I want to make a difference and show some one else the same level of compassion that was given to me in my most dire times. Also because I have a great interesting in medical equipment, its always fascinated me, how these devices can sustain lives that might otherwise have been extinguished.

I want to specialize in Neonatology. When my son was born he stopped breathing and was rushed to the NICU. Even before he was born I knew this was my calling, however seeing it from the parents side, I think will make me a better nurse for that level because I can truly understand what they are going through.

5. How do you feel about your dream 1-2 days after it? Any more insight? I still really hurt about that dream. I think perhaps there is something inside me that want me to come to terms with the fact that mom will never been the mother I needed her to be. It was suggested to me by a dear friend that it was me represented in all 3 aspects. My inner child is the hurt me still seeking a mother, then the adult me that had given up on my mother, and lastly me as the mother the I always needed. This take make sense to me but I'm still not sure what to think.

Children are Amazing

Today we took our son to the mall. Our mall just got a new play area with extra cushion floor, an ideal place to let a 7 1/2 month old roll around. We decided to shop around a little first. I am not a shopper, in fact I hate shopping. My DP says I'm a lot like a guy when it comes to shopping. I usually know exactly what I want, go straight for it and am then ready to check out shortly after I have it. I am not one for idly traipsing up and down every row just to see whats new. I do browse, sometimes but its get old and tedious fast for me. My DP is just the opposite, she loves shopping, browsing, traipsing and ever element of shopping (except paying that's usually what I do ...go figure). Her and I rarely go shopping shopping because I get bored and irritated easily with it.



Anyhow, we finally make our was to the play area. It was mostly deserted (which I liked), park the stroller and go in. We put him on the floor and scatter toys all around him but just out of reach, he sits there a min and then starts to do his usually army crawl scoot thing. We had been trying to entice him to crawl crawl( on hands and knees) for a couple weeks as he would be starting daycare soon (sad face) and I did not want to miss it. I took my glasses off, normal for me as I hate wearing them and can see fairly well with out them ( which is why I always misplace them..lol) and put them on the floor next to me but out of his reach. He is your typical baby, always interested in things that he shouldn't have my glassed being one of them. DP and I are talking, Cj is in between us on the floor...next thing I notice is he is crawling. Doing the actually crawl crawl and headed straight for my glasses.



It was such a wonderful moment that touch my heart. I remember when he was first born and the elation I felt then hearing his first cry, the panic and fear that struck my heart moments later when he stopped breathing and a NICU team came in and swept him away. Followed by the longest 3 hours of my life waiting to hear news on this precious little miracle that came into my life and was quickly taken away. Looking back I remember many firsts, like the first time I held him, the first time his tiny little hand closed around my finger. The first time he held his head up, rolled over, sleep thru the night (hurray for that one!), held his own bottle, sat up, ate solid foods, pulled up on something, and now crawling.



Every day he is doing something new, every day I look at this tiny little human that cries when I leave the room and bounces around excitedly when I come back. He smiles captivate me, his laughter makes my heart smile, he is real. The child I thought I would never have. He amazes me everyday. Looking in to his eyes I can see all the hopes and dreams of the future. It really does make you see just how precious life is.

Reality of dreams

Last night I lay in bed alone. Well I wasn't completely alone I took my 7 month old in with me. I had had a particularly difficult day and was just running it through my head. I've yet to figure out what to do about my relationship, but that is not the topic of this post. I was thinking about my childhood, the relationship with my mother and her attitude towards me after I told. She was so cold. She had this "thats what you get" attitude. She didn't care that he hurt me. I have always felt that she was mad that I didn't tell right away, like perhaps if I had then she would have cared but because I didn't then I guess I learned my lesson and would know to "open my mouth"the next time.

She never once told me that she was sorry that it happened, or hugged me and told me everything would be ok. Most of what I got from my mom was more pain. (Later down the road I will post a lot about mom.) I cried myself to sleep last night. I hate crying, for more than one reason. First because I feel like its a sign of weakness....totally not true I know but I still have to convince myself that sometimes. Second because crying means I am somewhat connected to my feeling.....feeling what are those!?!? thats now I feel about that( no pun intended). Third, because I have always felt that I don't have a right to cry. So I cried myself to sleep and had the strangest dream.

I say it's a bad dream, the dream it's self was good, something I've been longing for but the reality that it wasn't real made it very very bad. There is also an oddity about this dream which I will explain about little later.

My Dream:

My partner and I had broke up and I was moving back home. I was really sad, I didn't want to be back home but for some reason thats where I went. I went upstairs to the room that use to be mine and my sisters growing up. It was exactly like it was when we were kids and had our bunk beds in it. I went in and started cleaning and putting my things away. There was a room off of the bedroom that was my moms, like you had to walk through my bedroom to get to the other room( its not like this in real life). Mom comes in and starts talking to me. Then this is the oddity, there is this child that comes in. Shes small, looks to be about 6 or 7. She looked very sad. She looked rundown, had scrapes, cuts and bruises all over her body. I could see this yet she was fully dressed. At first I thought it was my daughter but some how I knew it wasn't. She looked at me. She had my eye's but it was not me. ( I think this is my inner child, why she showed herself to me I'm not sure, I have an idea though) She looked so sad, did not speak but climbed to the top bunk( which use to be my bed) and vanished.

Meanwhile mom was talking to me. She mentioned that I hadn't been around the house in a while. She was saying something but I'm not sure what. Then she grabbed me and started hugging me. She told me that she was sorry for all that she had done to me, for not being there for me. She knew now that I wasn't emotionally ready and she was so sorry. So sorry for everything that she said to me. I started crying, everything inside me hurt. She held me tighter and told me that she would make it up to me and that she would always be there for me from now on. I felt safe, I finally felt like it wasn't my fault and that she didn't blame me anymore

Then I woke up, I had been crying in my sleep. It hurt so much to realize it was just a dream, that mom still hated me, still blamed me and that it was still all my fault. That made the hurt 10 time worst. The child in my dream I believe was my inner child. I think I knew that all along but didn't realize the significance of her presents until I really thought about it. I think, she showed up because this is something that she really need to heal. She has never grown. She is still the same size I was when the abuse first started, yet she has lived through all of it. She is still longing for a mothers love, something I have given up on.

Betrayal

So today I am talking to my best friend. Her and I hadnt been talking because my partner and her had become "buddy buddy". I have this thing, where...call me selfish but I don't want my bestfriend to be my partners bestfriend. I don't care if they are friends. As they should be, but I dont want my bestfriend to be the person my partner is always running to and confiding in. Anyhow...I guess my partner told my best friend that she cheated on me. I have sense confronted her on this issue.

See, my partner is forever insistent that I am cheating on her. She has had that made up in her mind for a while now. She told me that my b.f. said that she was concerned for her ( partner). That she thought I might be cheating on her because of something I told her about a co-working. I never said anything about cheating! So my partner tells her that she cheated on me. That she had a moment of weakness.

My world feels like it is falling apart. I confronted DP about this and she claims that she never said she cheated on me. She claims that she never told her that she had a moment of weakness. However when confronted in front of my B.F. she says that she only said it because she thought I cheated and wanted me to hurt like she was. She told me that she didn't want to do it, that she was forced to. She has still been talking to this person and she (DP) says that it happened 2 years ago but didn't want to tell me about it them because I said that if she ever cheated on me I would leave her. Which is true, I did say that. The story of what happened has changed so many times I don't know what to believe. I feel betrayed and very angry.

I don't understand how you can go from cheating to someone hurting you. They are not the same, not even on the same page. I feel very torn. Being a survivor myself, my first instinct when anyone says that someone hurt them like that...I want to believe them with out question. I feel so confused. I don't want to think that my B.F. would lie to me but at the same time I don't I do not want to think that anyone would lie to me.

The frustrations of indecision

I had sat down at the computer several times yesterday with many thoughts in my head intending to write some. Each time, I had careful figured out the wording, and order in which to put things. When I actually log in and start to type, I change my mind. I feel like I have completely drawn a blank. What it is that I was going to say no long seems to be valid or important.

This is what immediately takes place in my head whenever I think of sharing my thoughts/feelings especially when it's related to the abuse.

Oh I really want to get this out, its really bothering me. It would be good to get it out. Wait, its not really that big of a deal. I think I'm over reacting about it. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. Yes, keep it to yourself, no one would want to hear about it. It's not important. It's stupid, I cant allow myself to bother anyone with this.

It frustrates me that I can not simply sit here and empty my mind without second guessing the importance or validity of my thoughts.

Introduction

This is my very feeble attempt at actually starting my blog. I have had it for a couple weeks but not posted on it. So here goes. First all Hi! If you are reading this most likely you have ran across it by accident. I am a 26 yr old (soon to be 27) college student working on my BSN (nursing). I am married, have a 7 month old son and 2 step daughters whom I love very much. My son is my world, I can't remember what life was like before him...it seems like he's always been a part of my life.

Ok, so now to the real reason for this blog. I am a survivor. I am hoping to use this as a tool in my healing. Perhaps that is why I have not really started it before. Remembering, reliving, telling are all very hard things to do but I am determined (at least for now) to try to work through some of these past demons. I know this is going to be a long slow, if not sometimes stagnate journey but I invite you all to come along with me. One of my goals for this blog is to be totally open about my feeling, the good, the bad and the really ugly.

My original idea was to make this a private blog, but beings that openness and telling is something that I need to work on I will leave it open and put it all out there.