I think I missed something...?

I talked with my little sister 2 days ago and have been feeling really confused ever sense. My little sister and I have a strange relationship. Growing up I detested her but I don't think it was really anything she did that made me feel this way towards her. I think that it was mostly if not wholly due to her father. Her father is among my list of abusers and she unfortunately looks just like him, not so much any more but when she was younger she was his spitting image. I know now that I was not very fair to her and I regret it every day. She told me that she hated me until mom told her that he hurt me. Then she said she felt so bad (she is a survivor also), I told her I didn't blame her. I really don't but I think I might have back then, just a little bit but once again not because of anything she did. It was all displaced anger, anger that now I can't even tap into. There is so much that's all trapped inside me. Anyhow, we had talked on an occasion before about her father and the abuse. I did not know that she even knew about it as she was so little when it was happening, but she told me that mom had told her. I was shocked, this was an "unspeakable" subject ( or at least for me it was but everyone else was allowed to talk about it). I asked how she told her, for some reason I just needed to know this, why I don't know but I needed to know.

She said that she just told her. She said mom was sitting in the living room watching TV and did a "by the way" type thing and said that she thought she was old enough and should know. Not really that shocking, this was never something that was important to my mother and I was ok with her knowing I felt she had a right to know also. She said that's pretty much all mom said about it, then she said that mom told her that she (lil sis) should think about forgiving him because after all he is her father and that some day she might want to have a relationship with him. She said that she did not want to but that mom was suggesting it. This conversation took place a few months ago. I was so confused. Up until this point I never thought that my mother did not believe me but I started to question it. Why in the world would you want your child to have a relationship with someone the hurt your other child, for the life of me I can not figure it out. Why she would even suggest it.

It hurt, made me feel so small and insignificant. Why does she hate me so much or more importantly why doesn't she love me? These are the question that swirl around in my head all the time.

So 2 days ago we talk again. I asked her if she had seem him, she said know but asked why I ask. I told her that every time I come home I panic and it so much worst if I have to go anywhere because I never know who I could run into around the corner. Then she tells me that mom is still pushing her to have a relationship with him. Telling her to go find him and ask him for things. My heart started crying. Again I was back to the why? I can not fathom it. If some one hurt my child I would have a hard time being ok with them still being alive, but never in a million years would I encourager a relationship with them for one of my other children. Do I really just mean nothing to her, does it not matter what he did to me. I am starting to think that she had talked to him over the years. Someone said to me that its possible that he said I initiated it. If my mother did talk to him I have no doubts what so ever that she asked him about it. I always figured that he would just deny it, I never ever thought him saying I started it as a possibility. I mean I blame myself but I never, even to myself thought that I started it. I never went to him, never. I just didn't do anything to try to stop it.

It really gave me something else to think about as a possible possibility as to her behavior. I know it is purely speculation on my part because I will never know what the hell when on in her head. Well I have to stop here because it hurts to much...

Mail Call

As most of you know I have been waiting for an important letter from school. The letter that dictates my life for the next 2 and a half years. Yesterday, I went out to campus(I don't have class on tuesdays) just to see if that freaking letter was maybe, somehow put in my campus mail instead of sent to my house. No letter there. When I got home the mail hadn't gotten there yet so I went on with my usually meanderings and runnings and some how forgot to check the mail. Went to work still wondering as I have been stressing over this sense Aug 25. Anyhow get home from work, check the mail. There is a letter from my college, my heart started racing I knew this was it. I debated for a moment on weather to open it or wait til the next day then It was like "who the heck am I kidding" took a deep breath and ripped it open. It says as fallows:

Dear (My name),

Congratulations! It is my pleasure, on behalf of the Nursing Department faculty, to offer you admissions to the nursing program...

YAY!!! *jumps for joy* Soooo freakin happy!!!!!

I didnt read the rest of the letter till later but you get the jest of it.

Just wanted to share my good news with all of you, I needed this in my life right now gives me something to help me totally refocus and work harder for cause I have totally been slacking. Yet somehow still holding a 3.75 not sure how that happened *scratches head* not that I'm complaining but now I will actually strive to get the 4.0

New pic

If you have been checking my blog I am certain that you noticed the new pic I put up. Originally I planned to put a thousand words up along with it....but well, that just didn't happen. Believe it or not I actually started that post but I just couldn't finish it. It's not that I didn't know what to say. In fact, I knew exactly what I wanted to say...the problem was just figuring out how to word the mumbo jumbo in my head to make it make sense for the rest of you. Even know writing this I have no idea how to say it. The title and that caption pretty much say all that I need to say. The picture itself says many things. So instead of going along with my original thought, I will attempt to say what that represents for me.

I spent sometime searching the web for that pic. It's not exactly what I wanted it to be, but I think it is as close as I'm going to get... less drawing it myself (which won't happen because I lack creative bones) or have someone else draw it....which poses a whole different issue. To have someone else draw it means I would have to "describe" the scene. At this stage in my healing there is a greater chance of pigs flying independently that my describing it. *chuckles* So I settled for the one posted. I actually shared that image with a dear friend before posting because I was unsure about it. I'm sure some people are offended by it. I know it is a strong image, and that is exactly what I wanted.

I wanted something that showed what it was like to be the scared little kid laying there just waiting for their body to be violated. The child has such a blank look on her face, she is not present. That spoke volumes to me. I know that look, that feeling...to leave your body because you know the horrible thing that is about to happen. Yet you are helpless to it. He will not stop until he gets what he wants, so you just lay there and wait. To feel his weight on top of you, and know whats coming. Yet you just lay there and wait. To feel the pressure as he starts to violates you, yet you still just lay there...then everything goes blank.



That is how it was for me anyhow. I do not remember the part that follows of my abuse. I don't think I was really "present" when that was going on, but I do know that it happened. I have a few memories of what seem like "floating", kinda watching what was happening but from up in a corning in the ceiling. I could see everything but it was more like watching a movie with me in it thought I was not really present. ( if that makes sense).

Another thing about this pic that I really like is that there are no visible doors, not escape. Some how you go into the situation yet there is no way out. I also like how the lighting kinda give one the sense of eminent doom. Maybe that's just me.

A very strong image yes, and for me I think at this point in my healing is as far as I'm going to get with sharing my story. There is so much more than what I have said here that that picture represents for me. I think this is all for now.( oh and only 606 words so I did not met my original challenge, just a note *lol*)