New pic

If you have been checking my blog I am certain that you noticed the new pic I put up. Originally I planned to put a thousand words up along with it....but well, that just didn't happen. Believe it or not I actually started that post but I just couldn't finish it. It's not that I didn't know what to say. In fact, I knew exactly what I wanted to say...the problem was just figuring out how to word the mumbo jumbo in my head to make it make sense for the rest of you. Even know writing this I have no idea how to say it. The title and that caption pretty much say all that I need to say. The picture itself says many things. So instead of going along with my original thought, I will attempt to say what that represents for me.

I spent sometime searching the web for that pic. It's not exactly what I wanted it to be, but I think it is as close as I'm going to get... less drawing it myself (which won't happen because I lack creative bones) or have someone else draw it....which poses a whole different issue. To have someone else draw it means I would have to "describe" the scene. At this stage in my healing there is a greater chance of pigs flying independently that my describing it. *chuckles* So I settled for the one posted. I actually shared that image with a dear friend before posting because I was unsure about it. I'm sure some people are offended by it. I know it is a strong image, and that is exactly what I wanted.

I wanted something that showed what it was like to be the scared little kid laying there just waiting for their body to be violated. The child has such a blank look on her face, she is not present. That spoke volumes to me. I know that look, that feeling...to leave your body because you know the horrible thing that is about to happen. Yet you are helpless to it. He will not stop until he gets what he wants, so you just lay there and wait. To feel his weight on top of you, and know whats coming. Yet you just lay there and wait. To feel the pressure as he starts to violates you, yet you still just lay there...then everything goes blank.



That is how it was for me anyhow. I do not remember the part that follows of my abuse. I don't think I was really "present" when that was going on, but I do know that it happened. I have a few memories of what seem like "floating", kinda watching what was happening but from up in a corning in the ceiling. I could see everything but it was more like watching a movie with me in it thought I was not really present. ( if that makes sense).

Another thing about this pic that I really like is that there are no visible doors, not escape. Some how you go into the situation yet there is no way out. I also like how the lighting kinda give one the sense of eminent doom. Maybe that's just me.

A very strong image yes, and for me I think at this point in my healing is as far as I'm going to get with sharing my story. There is so much more than what I have said here that that picture represents for me. I think this is all for now.( oh and only 606 words so I did not met my original challenge, just a note *lol*)