Monday, September 24, 2007

Mush for Brains

For the past several days, I have felt as if I am on the verge of a mental break down. It seems to only have gotten worst. I feel as though my life is a great big game of "ring around the Rosy" and I'm at the part where "they all fall down". Between dealing with financial issue (who doesn't have those right) to school, to family, and personal, I just don't seem to be able to handle it anymore. My plate is full, over flowing and completely unbalanced, one slight shift and its to topple over.

Today I had a paper due in my Psy class(fundamentals of counseling theories). My paper was suppose to be in the Freudian style on my imposed client. If you know anything about Freud, his basic theory is driven by sex and sexual desire, a not so great subject for me. I didn't do it because I just plan flat out couldn't concentrate. My mind felt completely void of all knowledge. I'd sit down, look at it and I couldn't understand what the heck I was suppose to be doing. It frustrated me so I eventually gave up. I know myself, when things get like this I just need to go to sleep...give my brain some down time as its always moving 90 miles a min when Im awake. Sleep help me regain control over my meandering thoughts that seem to go in every direction other than the one I wish/will them. It was getting the better of me so I decided to go to bed. I had planned to work on it in the morning but of course something had to screw that plan up. My DD's decided today would be a great day to miss the bus. I was irritated all over again. Went back to "busy brain" and clouded thoughts focused on the abuses.

I went to class paperless, having debated the idea of just not showing up, which in my opinion is bowing out, almost a form of cowardness. So I show up to class empty handed ready to accept my fate. Fate was kind to me(for once), we had this in class assignment about what roles we play, we were suppose to color(yes with crayons) how we felt about the roles we played and what hats we wear. I'm on the verge of break down so mine isn't at all pretty. Profs. comes around as we are drawing and then getting in to small group to discus. She looks at mine and I was explaining to my partner that I didn't do my paper because X,Y, Z and on the verge of this break down, I was shaking. Profs. says that its ok about the paper and that she will help with with it.

For once I feel connected with someone, I remind you all that my Profs. is also a T. Which is good and bad. Good because I'm the crazy type that she is use to dealing with, bad because I'm the crazy type that she is use to dealing with. I connected with a T hurray. That's good right, nope. I know that you are suppose to "shop" per-say for a good fit with a therapist, so why is it that the one I feel connected to, safe with, relaxed, and actually comfy with the only one that's NOT an option. Not an option for 2 reasons.

1. Shes my professor and I'm not certain as to the ethics involved there.
2. She is a catholic therapist, Not that that really means anything but for me it makes me feel like I should catch fire as soon as I set foot in her office.

There is a 3rd reason also, that I would never ask but its the former far more than the latter why its never going to happen.

I quit T with Sally last week. Not really because things were getting hard(they were) but because of a statement she made that triggered me pretty bad and sent me in a total self-devouring down spiral. I never know when "mother" issues will pop up for me. The statement she made was that of a similar, if not identical one made by my mom when she was not wanting to deal with "my issues". It totally gave me all the same bad feelings I got when mom was talking to, I should say at me about not being over it yet. Thinking about it now that I have regained more of my better judgement I know that it's most likely not intended the way it was perceived. However the "hurt" side of me is very non-forgiving. I have had so many bad T experiences that I'm not sure I want to chance anymore.

Profs. suggest that I give it another try and that Sally is "seasoned" and has helped many other people with my same history. Profs. speaks very highly of Sally, but I just don't feel connected with her. I know the logically hearing that someone is has alot of experience or is "seasoned" should be encouraging. For me, it's more like panic in a jar just waiting for the right moment to pop the lid off. It makes me feel small and unimportant. Im sure this is more a me thing than anything else. I know she has heard worst just as well as I know that others have gone through far worst, but I can't think about that....its part of the reason why I struggle with being vocal. That very reason, that others have been through worst, was one of mother basic agruements against my "dwelling" on the abuse. Anyhow I think this is all Im going to do for now.

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