I think I missed something...?

I talked with my little sister 2 days ago and have been feeling really confused ever sense. My little sister and I have a strange relationship. Growing up I detested her but I don't think it was really anything she did that made me feel this way towards her. I think that it was mostly if not wholly due to her father. Her father is among my list of abusers and she unfortunately looks just like him, not so much any more but when she was younger she was his spitting image. I know now that I was not very fair to her and I regret it every day. She told me that she hated me until mom told her that he hurt me. Then she said she felt so bad (she is a survivor also), I told her I didn't blame her. I really don't but I think I might have back then, just a little bit but once again not because of anything she did. It was all displaced anger, anger that now I can't even tap into. There is so much that's all trapped inside me. Anyhow, we had talked on an occasion before about her father and the abuse. I did not know that she even knew about it as she was so little when it was happening, but she told me that mom had told her. I was shocked, this was an "unspeakable" subject ( or at least for me it was but everyone else was allowed to talk about it). I asked how she told her, for some reason I just needed to know this, why I don't know but I needed to know.

She said that she just told her. She said mom was sitting in the living room watching TV and did a "by the way" type thing and said that she thought she was old enough and should know. Not really that shocking, this was never something that was important to my mother and I was ok with her knowing I felt she had a right to know also. She said that's pretty much all mom said about it, then she said that mom told her that she (lil sis) should think about forgiving him because after all he is her father and that some day she might want to have a relationship with him. She said that she did not want to but that mom was suggesting it. This conversation took place a few months ago. I was so confused. Up until this point I never thought that my mother did not believe me but I started to question it. Why in the world would you want your child to have a relationship with someone the hurt your other child, for the life of me I can not figure it out. Why she would even suggest it.

It hurt, made me feel so small and insignificant. Why does she hate me so much or more importantly why doesn't she love me? These are the question that swirl around in my head all the time.

So 2 days ago we talk again. I asked her if she had seem him, she said know but asked why I ask. I told her that every time I come home I panic and it so much worst if I have to go anywhere because I never know who I could run into around the corner. Then she tells me that mom is still pushing her to have a relationship with him. Telling her to go find him and ask him for things. My heart started crying. Again I was back to the why? I can not fathom it. If some one hurt my child I would have a hard time being ok with them still being alive, but never in a million years would I encourager a relationship with them for one of my other children. Do I really just mean nothing to her, does it not matter what he did to me. I am starting to think that she had talked to him over the years. Someone said to me that its possible that he said I initiated it. If my mother did talk to him I have no doubts what so ever that she asked him about it. I always figured that he would just deny it, I never ever thought him saying I started it as a possibility. I mean I blame myself but I never, even to myself thought that I started it. I never went to him, never. I just didn't do anything to try to stop it.

It really gave me something else to think about as a possible possibility as to her behavior. I know it is purely speculation on my part because I will never know what the hell when on in her head. Well I have to stop here because it hurts to much...