Struggles

Ok so I admit I have been totally neglecting my blog. I do come it just about every day...look at it and think to myself " I should write today or it's time for an update" but the problem is that I don't. I can't. I have slipped back in to the "don't tell" and "no one wants to hear about that your bothering people" pool. The vortex in getting closer, the waters deeper, the waves are rocking and I'm slipping under. I'm still trying to figure out how to get myself out of these sinking waters. I had therapy today unexpectedly.


I went in to see Sally (T) as I was on my hour lunch break and had missed my previous appointment because I had to take my son to the ER. She said that she had a free hour and wanted to see me. It was right then and there, shocking to me and interesting all the same as I had no time to actually panic. We talked about random stuff. Then she asked me about emails. I had expressed to her in our first meeting that I'm not good with verbal communication so having an email was a great way for me to communicate with her the things that I know I can not say. However I guess I failed to also tell her that I have this inherent fear of bothering people with my issues. Thus I have not sent her an email yet. She asked me why I felt that way? My answer was..because its against the rules. So she ask me...Who's rules are those because they certainly are not your. She says that I'm still listening to someone else's rules. That kind of irritated me. Then she says that I need to name this thing that keeps me from talking and have a conversations with it. Freaky!! To tell you the truth, the idea of doing that kinda scares the hell outta me.

I don't thing I'm ready to face this thing, I feel weak against it.

Anyhow I have been thinking about this idea of naming it ever sense. so far, I am pondering a few...I thought about something that would describe how it feels to me but that wouldn't be something I couldn't actually say in confrontational context. So far I have come to the assertion that its some sort of bug, kinda like the bug that was extracted from Neal in "The Matrix" ...if you haven't seen it, its a great movie. Ok so I just came up with a name, I will call it NATT for Not Allowed To Talk. Thanks for the help E, :D. ok well I guess thats the end of my ramblings for now.