Sorrows

Currently I am setting at school in the computer lab. I know this is probably of no significance but I suppose it is just a way to start this off. I have been so lonely lately. I just went on a fabulous trip to Las Vegas, had a good time but all the while many things have been buzzing in my head. A few realizations have come to me that I don’t want to admit. First off, my ability to handle the memories/flashedbacks of my abuse is declining. Things are becoming more and more present and I don’t know what is triggering that. A few good friends are "recommending" that I considered meds to help me deal with this but yet I am completely and utterly against it. One of them asked me why it was that I was so resistant to the idea. Honestly, I just don’t want to be on them. I have to take enough meds for my asthma and I hate it. But there is another reason. I don't want to admit that I can't handle it, or rather that I can’t handle it on my own...yet I know I can’t (logic speaking here). The old tapes of my mothers words and actions of her unwillingness to deal with "my problems" are loud and hard to stop. I think because I hold so much guilt, I feel that I have to do this on my own, no relief for me. If I would learn how to not blame myself perhaps that consideration for meds might be more appealing to me. I also think learning how to unsilence myself would help. I need to learn to forgive myself for being a 11-12 year old that was actually powerless (logic speaking here again) to stop what was happening to me. To accept the fact that this really wasn’t my fault despite all that he and others have said. I need to learn to forgive myself for not telling, and even more so forgive myself for telling.

I do know that my mother is a great source of my struggles. One thing that I wanted so desporately was for her, the one who brought me into this word to love me unconditionally. Thus this is something I was denied. She pushed me away, told me they were my problems no one else and that people didn't like to hear about this kind of stuff...that it bothers them. I not proud of what happened, although I was alone inside myself when it was happening I think my true loneliness started the day I told. In my head I picture it totally different. I knew that I could not tell my mother face to face, I thought she would be mad but I hope that she wouldn’t be. I figure I would come home and she would hug me, tell me how sorry she was that she did not know what he was doing to me, tell me that it wasn’t my fault and that I was safe now...that she would never let anyone else hurt me like that. (I guess I watched too many life time movies) Instead I got yelled at, belittled and blamed. Such hopelessness came into my life as I had never known. She hated me because I told, I didn't tell when it was happening so I should have just kept it to myself, because it happened and I didn’t try to stop it... it must be my fault. I must have deserved all of it. My happy ending was never to be. How did I become a person that was so unworthy of a mothers love, what was wrong with me. These things have plagued my life for the past 13 years.

There is another realization that I came to about a week ago yet have fought like hell against it. I was driving home from work one day; I had had a particularly stressful day, when I get stress the daunting of the past start to creep back in to the foreground of my mind. And then a thought of nowhere exploded inside my head. He hurt me! I instantly felt nauseous and like I was going to pass out, I had to pull over. I couldn’t handle that thought, I didn’t not ever think those 3 simple words could have that kind of affect on me. I can not allow that to enter my mind, I don't know that I fully understand why. Even now, sitting here typing this and thinking about that is making me feel nauseous and light headed. I know this is one fact that I can not deny, I mean it’s obvious; the repercussions are present every day of my life. My sis says to me that I shouldn't let people get me down. She says that life is too short to let people bring you down, then she said something that was so very triggering and hurtful yet I said nothing. She said that she was not going to let anyone else’s problems bring her down, almost the exact words my mother said to me about my "problems". Why can I not just let it go, why cant I just forget, my whole life I have tried to do that, I can make it go away for a period of time but it always comes back, always stronger than before. I am aware that the only way to get past this is to deal with it, process it and try to move forward. But that is just so much hard work; it feels like an impossible feat.

Forgiveness is...

At my last appointment with T, I made a comment that I was not a very forgiving person. She was very interested in this statement and challenged me to write about what I thought forgiveness was/is.(without looking it up). I think forgiveness can be many things.

Forgiveness is...

• when you accept someone’s apology and do not hold the wrong doing against them
  
• when you give someone a second chance
  
• unconditional love
  
• understanding that the human condition is imperfect so mistakes are woven in to it
  
• not holding a grudge
  

I think there is more but I just can't think of anything else. I will add more to it later if I think of anything, but I can tell you that after doing this. I don't believe that I am so unforgiving. I think I am just really unforgiving with myself, well I know I am. I am a very patient person but I angry easily with things that do not go as they should. (If that make sense) This gives me something to ponder.

Mars Was Strange....

Hello all that have been checking my blog, I'm back....at least for now. I had to take a break for a while from all things abuse related as things were getting to "real" for me. Anyhow I'll give you all a little update first.

Life has been full of all kinds of unexpected (some expected) events.

We are moving. I detest moving. It amazes me that you can accumulate so much crap when you buy a house. It should be illegal....lol. 5 years ago we bought our house, moving from a trailer ( which I call a bread box) that was a very small single wide with 2 tiny bedrooms to a massive 4 bedroom house complete with basement and 2 stall garage. ok, so its not really massive, but compared to the breadbox it was like a mansion. In those 5 years we managed to accumulate 2 dining room table sets, a small kitchen table set. 2 entertainment centers, 3 computers complete with 3 computer desk( one of which is a large corner desk..which I love but its huge), another kid...he he he complete with an entire room (or 2) full of baby stuff. ( most of this is our fault as we just could not part with most of his tiny stuff because it soooooo cute), the other kids stuff( beds dressers ect...) and their toys, they had a toy room 2/3 the size of the attic with is the full length of our house, all kinds of furniture, appliances and you name it we got it. This is excluding the stuff thats out side and in the garage. (Enola I know you understand what Im talking about as you just moved too) We have been trying to move for about 3 months now( moving to an apartment) and are just in the end stages of that. For this I am grateful.

School started. You all know that I got into the Nursing program at me school YAY!! As excited as I was it is an incredible amount of work, mostly reading and its very very time consuming. I am doing a double major...Nursing and Psychology but my psy major is undeclared at the moment. Nursing has been discouraging. I know I just started and the first semester is always the hardest, but for so long my goal was just to get into the program and I have done that, so I wonder why am I torturing myself. But, I wont give up....I know I have a tendency to run away at the first sign of trouble but damn it I have worked to hard for this to quit and I refuse to fail so I guess that only leave one option. Success! ( wish I have this attitude about more stuff...like T, but I don’t) So I will just keep plugging on.

Sleepless night. Here has been my biggest complication; I have had insomnia for the past week and a half. It’s getting better now but boy that was tough. With work, kids, moving and sleeplessness my school work was really suffering. I just hope that it keeps getting better.

T. Blah is all I can say about that. Don’t get my wrong I love my T and I think she is wonderful...I just still feel like I am getting no were.

Family life. This is all intertwined with moving and school, and work really. I go to school from 8 in the morning and work till 9:30 at night. So I don’t really get to spend time with my son. I go in and visit him at day care just so he doesn’t forget who I am. I have a fear that Ill come home one day and go to pick him up and he wont know who I am. This is also putting a strain on my relationship. The major problem is that I can’t really change it. I will not give up school and we can’t afford for me to not work as well. I try to not to homework on the weekends but that’s not all ways possible. I am so behind on reading due to the insomnia( cant retain anything when I’m that tired) that I am trying to play catch up now. This weekend I am hoping to get to spend a little family time.

The weather has been awful. It started snowing on tuesday at 3 pm for about 3 hours then stopped for 5 before the 24 hour snow we were forecasted. It was nice to be out of school and work( work at a college) but I could have done without all the snow. I think our snow total was 17" or 18 ". The kids loved it but they weren’t the ones that had to shovel it.

Well I think that’s about all for know. I plan on posting more when I get the chance but I do plan on writing more often. T says its good for me.

I think I missed something...?

I talked with my little sister 2 days ago and have been feeling really confused ever sense. My little sister and I have a strange relationship. Growing up I detested her but I don't think it was really anything she did that made me feel this way towards her. I think that it was mostly if not wholly due to her father. Her father is among my list of abusers and she unfortunately looks just like him, not so much any more but when she was younger she was his spitting image. I know now that I was not very fair to her and I regret it every day. She told me that she hated me until mom told her that he hurt me. Then she said she felt so bad (she is a survivor also), I told her I didn't blame her. I really don't but I think I might have back then, just a little bit but once again not because of anything she did. It was all displaced anger, anger that now I can't even tap into. There is so much that's all trapped inside me. Anyhow, we had talked on an occasion before about her father and the abuse. I did not know that she even knew about it as she was so little when it was happening, but she told me that mom had told her. I was shocked, this was an "unspeakable" subject ( or at least for me it was but everyone else was allowed to talk about it). I asked how she told her, for some reason I just needed to know this, why I don't know but I needed to know.

She said that she just told her. She said mom was sitting in the living room watching TV and did a "by the way" type thing and said that she thought she was old enough and should know. Not really that shocking, this was never something that was important to my mother and I was ok with her knowing I felt she had a right to know also. She said that's pretty much all mom said about it, then she said that mom told her that she (lil sis) should think about forgiving him because after all he is her father and that some day she might want to have a relationship with him. She said that she did not want to but that mom was suggesting it. This conversation took place a few months ago. I was so confused. Up until this point I never thought that my mother did not believe me but I started to question it. Why in the world would you want your child to have a relationship with someone the hurt your other child, for the life of me I can not figure it out. Why she would even suggest it.

It hurt, made me feel so small and insignificant. Why does she hate me so much or more importantly why doesn't she love me? These are the question that swirl around in my head all the time.

So 2 days ago we talk again. I asked her if she had seem him, she said know but asked why I ask. I told her that every time I come home I panic and it so much worst if I have to go anywhere because I never know who I could run into around the corner. Then she tells me that mom is still pushing her to have a relationship with him. Telling her to go find him and ask him for things. My heart started crying. Again I was back to the why? I can not fathom it. If some one hurt my child I would have a hard time being ok with them still being alive, but never in a million years would I encourager a relationship with them for one of my other children. Do I really just mean nothing to her, does it not matter what he did to me. I am starting to think that she had talked to him over the years. Someone said to me that its possible that he said I initiated it. If my mother did talk to him I have no doubts what so ever that she asked him about it. I always figured that he would just deny it, I never ever thought him saying I started it as a possibility. I mean I blame myself but I never, even to myself thought that I started it. I never went to him, never. I just didn't do anything to try to stop it.

It really gave me something else to think about as a possible possibility as to her behavior. I know it is purely speculation on my part because I will never know what the hell when on in her head. Well I have to stop here because it hurts to much...

Mail Call

As most of you know I have been waiting for an important letter from school. The letter that dictates my life for the next 2 and a half years. Yesterday, I went out to campus(I don't have class on tuesdays) just to see if that freaking letter was maybe, somehow put in my campus mail instead of sent to my house. No letter there. When I got home the mail hadn't gotten there yet so I went on with my usually meanderings and runnings and some how forgot to check the mail. Went to work still wondering as I have been stressing over this sense Aug 25. Anyhow get home from work, check the mail. There is a letter from my college, my heart started racing I knew this was it. I debated for a moment on weather to open it or wait til the next day then It was like "who the heck am I kidding" took a deep breath and ripped it open. It says as fallows:

Dear (My name),

Congratulations! It is my pleasure, on behalf of the Nursing Department faculty, to offer you admissions to the nursing program...

YAY!!! *jumps for joy* Soooo freakin happy!!!!!

I didnt read the rest of the letter till later but you get the jest of it.

Just wanted to share my good news with all of you, I needed this in my life right now gives me something to help me totally refocus and work harder for cause I have totally been slacking. Yet somehow still holding a 3.75 not sure how that happened *scratches head* not that I'm complaining but now I will actually strive to get the 4.0

New pic

If you have been checking my blog I am certain that you noticed the new pic I put up. Originally I planned to put a thousand words up along with it....but well, that just didn't happen. Believe it or not I actually started that post but I just couldn't finish it. It's not that I didn't know what to say. In fact, I knew exactly what I wanted to say...the problem was just figuring out how to word the mumbo jumbo in my head to make it make sense for the rest of you. Even know writing this I have no idea how to say it. The title and that caption pretty much say all that I need to say. The picture itself says many things. So instead of going along with my original thought, I will attempt to say what that represents for me.

I spent sometime searching the web for that pic. It's not exactly what I wanted it to be, but I think it is as close as I'm going to get... less drawing it myself (which won't happen because I lack creative bones) or have someone else draw it....which poses a whole different issue. To have someone else draw it means I would have to "describe" the scene. At this stage in my healing there is a greater chance of pigs flying independently that my describing it. *chuckles* So I settled for the one posted. I actually shared that image with a dear friend before posting because I was unsure about it. I'm sure some people are offended by it. I know it is a strong image, and that is exactly what I wanted.

I wanted something that showed what it was like to be the scared little kid laying there just waiting for their body to be violated. The child has such a blank look on her face, she is not present. That spoke volumes to me. I know that look, that feeling...to leave your body because you know the horrible thing that is about to happen. Yet you are helpless to it. He will not stop until he gets what he wants, so you just lay there and wait. To feel his weight on top of you, and know whats coming. Yet you just lay there and wait. To feel the pressure as he starts to violates you, yet you still just lay there...then everything goes blank.



That is how it was for me anyhow. I do not remember the part that follows of my abuse. I don't think I was really "present" when that was going on, but I do know that it happened. I have a few memories of what seem like "floating", kinda watching what was happening but from up in a corning in the ceiling. I could see everything but it was more like watching a movie with me in it thought I was not really present. ( if that makes sense).

Another thing about this pic that I really like is that there are no visible doors, not escape. Some how you go into the situation yet there is no way out. I also like how the lighting kinda give one the sense of eminent doom. Maybe that's just me.

A very strong image yes, and for me I think at this point in my healing is as far as I'm going to get with sharing my story. There is so much more than what I have said here that that picture represents for me. I think this is all for now.( oh and only 606 words so I did not met my original challenge, just a note *lol*)

Mush for Brains

For the past several days, I have felt as if I am on the verge of a mental break down. It seems to only have gotten worst. I feel as though my life is a great big game of "ring around the Rosy" and I'm at the part where "they all fall down". Between dealing with financial issue (who doesn't have those right) to school, to family, and personal, I just don't seem to be able to handle it anymore. My plate is full, over flowing and completely unbalanced, one slight shift and its to topple over.

Today I had a paper due in my Psy class(fundamentals of counseling theories). My paper was suppose to be in the Freudian style on my imposed client. If you know anything about Freud, his basic theory is driven by sex and sexual desire, a not so great subject for me. I didn't do it because I just plan flat out couldn't concentrate. My mind felt completely void of all knowledge. I'd sit down, look at it and I couldn't understand what the heck I was suppose to be doing. It frustrated me so I eventually gave up. I know myself, when things get like this I just need to go to sleep...give my brain some down time as its always moving 90 miles a min when Im awake. Sleep help me regain control over my meandering thoughts that seem to go in every direction other than the one I wish/will them. It was getting the better of me so I decided to go to bed. I had planned to work on it in the morning but of course something had to screw that plan up. My DD's decided today would be a great day to miss the bus. I was irritated all over again. Went back to "busy brain" and clouded thoughts focused on the abuses.

I went to class paperless, having debated the idea of just not showing up, which in my opinion is bowing out, almost a form of cowardness. So I show up to class empty handed ready to accept my fate. Fate was kind to me(for once), we had this in class assignment about what roles we play, we were suppose to color(yes with crayons) how we felt about the roles we played and what hats we wear. I'm on the verge of break down so mine isn't at all pretty. Profs. comes around as we are drawing and then getting in to small group to discus. She looks at mine and I was explaining to my partner that I didn't do my paper because X,Y, Z and on the verge of this break down, I was shaking. Profs. says that its ok about the paper and that she will help with with it.

For once I feel connected with someone, I remind you all that my Profs. is also a T. Which is good and bad. Good because I'm the crazy type that she is use to dealing with, bad because I'm the crazy type that she is use to dealing with. I connected with a T hurray. That's good right, nope. I know that you are suppose to "shop" per-say for a good fit with a therapist, so why is it that the one I feel connected to, safe with, relaxed, and actually comfy with the only one that's NOT an option. Not an option for 2 reasons.

1. Shes my professor and I'm not certain as to the ethics involved there.
2. She is a catholic therapist, Not that that really means anything but for me it makes me feel like I should catch fire as soon as I set foot in her office.

There is a 3rd reason also, that I would never ask but its the former far more than the latter why its never going to happen.

I quit T with Sally last week. Not really because things were getting hard(they were) but because of a statement she made that triggered me pretty bad and sent me in a total self-devouring down spiral. I never know when "mother" issues will pop up for me. The statement she made was that of a similar, if not identical one made by my mom when she was not wanting to deal with "my issues". It totally gave me all the same bad feelings I got when mom was talking to, I should say at me about not being over it yet. Thinking about it now that I have regained more of my better judgement I know that it's most likely not intended the way it was perceived. However the "hurt" side of me is very non-forgiving. I have had so many bad T experiences that I'm not sure I want to chance anymore.

Profs. suggest that I give it another try and that Sally is "seasoned" and has helped many other people with my same history. Profs. speaks very highly of Sally, but I just don't feel connected with her. I know the logically hearing that someone is has alot of experience or is "seasoned" should be encouraging. For me, it's more like panic in a jar just waiting for the right moment to pop the lid off. It makes me feel small and unimportant. Im sure this is more a me thing than anything else. I know she has heard worst just as well as I know that others have gone through far worst, but I can't think about that....its part of the reason why I struggle with being vocal. That very reason, that others have been through worst, was one of mother basic agruements against my "dwelling" on the abuse. Anyhow I think this is all Im going to do for now.